:::::::::::::: plans/plan921028 :::::::::::::: (True, originally reported in the New York Times, October 18, 1992.) Switzerland, known for its neutrality over the centuries, briefly invaded neighboring Liechtenstein this past Tuesday. Troops on maneuvers received orders to set up a camp in Triesenberg but, according to Liechtenstein officials, the Swiss "overlooked that Triesenberg is not located on Swiss territory." Switzerland's neighbors include Austria, France, Germany, Italy, and Liechtenstein; of these countries, only Liechtenstein can boast that it has no army, its population is less than 30,000, and it is smaller than Washington, D.C. -------- esti@midway.uchicago.edu Paul Andrew Estin CogPsych grad student but prefered address is 214 Beakes St. Ann Arbor, MI 48104 estin@csmil.umich.edu H 313-994-3869 W 313-747-3699 313-994-9865 :::::::::::::: plans/plan921203 :::::::::::::: "A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul." - G. B. Shaw "Actually, it's even worse than that. Odds are that Paul will complain because the government isn't doing enough for him. Plus there's a good chance that what the government is doing isn't just hurting Peter and uninvolved citizen Patrick, but hurting Paul in the long run, too-- in fact, the only ones benefiting are the Congress and Bernie the Bureaucrat." - me, in a libertarian mood esti@midway.uchicago.edu Paul Andrew Estin CogPsych grad student but prefered address is 214 Beakes St. Ann Arbor, MI 48104 estin@csmil.umich.edu H 313-994-3869 W 313-747-3699 313-994-9865 Did you hear about the guy who robbed a bus full of Japanese tourists? The police have about 5000 pictures of him....... :::::::::::::: plans/plan921217 :::::::::::::: "To rebel against a powerful political, economic, religious, or social estab- lishment is very dangerous and very few people do it, except, perhaps, as part of a mob. To rebel against the "scientific" establishment, however, is the easiest thing in the world, and anyone can do it and feel enormously brave, without risking as much as a hangnail. Thus, the vast majority, who believe in astrology and think that the planets have nothing better to do than form a code that will tell them whether tomorrow is a good day to close a business deal or not, become all the more excited and enthusiastic about the bilge when a group of astronomers denounces it." --Isaac Asimov "Cats are less loyal than dogs, but more independent. (This is code. It means:"Cats are smarter than dogs, but they hate people.") Many people love cats. From time to time, newspapers print stories about some elderly widow who died and left her entire estate, valued at $320,000, to her cat, Fluffkins. Cats read these stories, too, and are always plotting to get named as beneficiaries in their owners' wills. Did you ever wonder where your cat goes when it wanders off for several hours? It meets with other cats in estate-planning seminars. I just thought you should know." --Dave Barry esti@midway.uchicago.edu Paul Andrew Estin CogPsych grad student but prefered address is 214 Beakes St. Ann Arbor, MI 48104 estin@csmil.umich.edu H 313-994-3869 W 313-747-3699 313-994-9865 :::::::::::::: plans/plan930105 :::::::::::::: T.S. Eliot had a novel method of dealing with door-to-door missionaries. One day, some Jehovah's Witnesses showed up on his doorstep with a can and said, "Money for Jehovah?" To which Eliot responded, "Great! I'm Jehovah! How much have you gathered for me?" Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists? --Kelvin Throop, III Happy New Year, everyone. It's got to be better than last year, doesn't it? <- famous last words esti@midway.uchicago.edu Paul Andrew Estin CogPsych grad student but prefered address is 214 Beakes St. Ann Arbor, MI 48104 estin@csmil.umich.edu H 313-994-3869 W 313-747-3699 313-994-9865 :::::::::::::: plans/plan930119 :::::::::::::: THE LESSON Then Jesus took His disciples up the mountain and gathered them around Him. He taught them saying: "Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are the meek. Blessed are they that mourn. Blessed are they who thirst after righteousness. Blessed are they who are persecuted. Blessed are they who suffer. Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in heaven. Remember what I am telling you." Then Simon Peter said, "Do we have to write this down?" And Andrew said, "Are we supposed to know this?" And James said, "Will we be tested on it?" And Bartholomew said, "Do we have to turn this in?" And John said, "The other disciples didn't have to learn this." And the other disciples likewise. Then one of the Pharisees who was present asked to see Jesus' lesson plan, and inquired of Jesus His terminal objectives in the cognitive domain. And Jesus wept. - CTA Reporter (Classroom Teacher's Association) esti@midway.uchicago.edu Paul Andrew Estin CogPsych grad student but prefered address is 214 Beakes St. Ann Arbor, MI 48104 estin@csmil.umich.edu H 313-994-3869 W 313-747-3699 313-994-9865 :::::::::::::: plans/plan930211 :::::::::::::: Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. Jaka: Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy out of it? Jaka: Ugh! Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy? -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret" The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time for Miss Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public. It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners has been known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a curb, and, in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a foot or two under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the sight of people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand dresses up a city considerably more than the more familiar sight of people shaking umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to is the kind of activity that frightens the horses on the street ... "Love songs. 24-hours-a-goddamn day, throw-yourself-off-a-cliff love songs." - Rich Jeni avoiding St. Valentine's Day... esti@midway.uchicago.edu Paul Andrew Estin CogPsych grad student but prefered address is 214 Beakes St. Ann Arbor, MI 48104 estin@csmil.umich.edu H 313-994-3869 W 313-747-3699 313-994-9865 :::::::::::::: plans/plan930309 :::::::::::::: # Here's my idea for a winning campaign ad for Bush (assuming # Schwarzenegger goes along). # # DUM DUM DUM DUM ... duh duh ... DUM DUM DUM DUM ... duh duh ... # # TERMINATOR 3 : ELECTION DAY # # Los Angeles, California # Monday, November 2, 1992 # # Sarah Conner sits in her apartment watching TV. Suddenly, a T800 cyborg # (Arnold) smashes through the door. # # Sarah: "Why are you here! I thought we saved the future when you destroyed # the T1000 terminator?" # # Arnold: "Ve took car of zat problemo. Der is anuder tret on de horizen!" # # Sarah: "Not again! What is it this time?" # # Arnold: "Tomorrow de humans in der ignorance vill elect Bill Klinton as da # President of de United States. He vill bring dem double digit inflation, # double digit unemployment, and double digit interest rates. De US economy # vill be devestated. Foolish humans! Did you not learn anyding vrom de # Carter years? History repeats itself." # # Sarah: "Isn't there anything we can do?" # # Arnold: "Dat ist why I have been zent back through time vrom de year 1995. # I hab brought proof ov de economic turmoil to come in hopes dat ve can # change da future. Ve must hurry and get dis information to de public # bevore the election tomorrow!" # # Cut to sequence of quick clips from Monday night's newscasts. # # Final shot of Sarah in election booth on Tuesday casting her vote for Bush. # # Sarah: "Hasta La Vista, Bill!" # # THE END? - mulac@daystrom.lerc.nas esti@midway.uchicago.edu Paul Andrew Estin CogPsych grad student but prefered address is 214 Beakes St. Ann Arbor, MI 48104 estin@csmil.umich.edu H 313-994-3869 W 313-747-3699 313-994-9865 :::::::::::::: plans/plan930323 :::::::::::::: Submitted by: jns@inoms.bellcore.com (Jesse N. Schell) Someone once asked me if there was any real difference between engineers, scientists, and managers in today's high tech companies. Although the differences are often subtle to an outsider, you can tell one from another simply by the questions they ask. Engineering: "How will this work?" Science: "Why will this work?" Management: "When will this work?" And in today's technological environment, this is often followed by: Liberal Arts: "Do you want fries with that?" esti@midway.uchicago.edu Paul Andrew Estin CogPsych grad student but prefered address is 214 Beakes St. Ann Arbor, MI 48104 paul.estin@um.cc.umich.edu H 313-994-3869 W 313-747-3699 313-994-9865 "Your enemy is never a villain in his own eyes. Keep this in mind, it may offer a way to make him your friend. If not, you can kill him without hate--and quickly." - Lazarus Long :::::::::::::: plans/plan930406 :::::::::::::: * From a kid's Halloween costume (superman) - stitched into the cape was a tag saying "Warning: Use of This Device Does Not Enable Wearer To Fly". * From a Pop-Tart (TM) box: "Warning: Pastry Filling May Be Hot When Heated" * From a newspaper article: "A congressionally-funded study has determined that many smokers are ignoring the warning labels on cigarette packages" * From a hair blowdryer instruction sheet: "Warning: Do Not Use While Sleeping" * On the package for Top Cog fan belts (automotive use), the first step of the instructions tells you not to change the belt while the engine is running. * written on the back of one of those things you put in your car windshield on sunny days when you park to keep your dash from melting: DO NOT OPERATE VEHICLE WITH SCREEN IN PLACE * from the Indigo Owners Manual p 6-9 Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw mouse at co-workers. * And my favorite warning appears on a box of those cloth roller towels in restrooms. It says something like: Warning! Improper use may cause serious injury or death! - from the Life mailing list esti@midway.uchicago.edu Paul Andrew Estin CogPsych grad student but prefered address is 214 Beakes St. Ann Arbor, MI 48104 paul.estin@um.cc.umich.edu H 313-994-3869 W 313-747-3699 313-994-9865 :::::::::::::: plans/plan930424 :::::::::::::: (From the January 25 issue of NewsWeek magazine:) Vegetable Visas Is the European Community actually a Monty Python sketch? A new EC directive calls for issuing "passports" to houseplants and other vegetable life. Under the plan, countries will give all shrubs, saplings, trees and other foliage sold across EC borders (individually or in batches) what are officially called "plant passports" to confirm they meet health standards. The term passport is not supposed to be funny: it has been widely discussed and approved," says one EC agriculture official. Will the passports have photos? Leafprints? "As far as I know, there is no provision," says the official. Not yet, anyway. -------------------------- Wayne, Bruce. Bruce Wayne's Incredible freeway guide to L.A.: Friendly/One Pub. Co., c1974. UCLA Spec Coll F 868 L8 W39 1974 Grayson, Richard. Crime without passion / by Richard Grayson, 1st U.S. ed. New York: St. Martin's Press, c 1983. UCD Main Lib PR6057.R335 C7 1983 -from the U. California on-line catalog -------------------------- esti@midway.uchicago.edu Paul Andrew Estin CogPsych grad student but prefered address is 214 Beakes St. Ann Arbor, MI 48104 paul.estin@um.cc.umich.edu H 313-994-3869 W 313-747-3699 313-994-9865 :::::::::::::: plans/plan930516 :::::::::::::: "I got a new phone ... the first thing I did was hit "redial." The phone started having a nervous breakdown." - Steven Wright From: bdelvecc@wc.novell.com (Brian Del Vecchio) haiku's inventor must have had seven fingers on his middle hand From: hagerman@rx7.ece.cmu.edu (John Hagerman) Q: What do you call Willy Wonka's bathroom? A: The candy man can. From: A.Raman@massey.ac.nz (Anand) In a literature class, the students were given an assignment to write a short story involving all the important ingredients - Nobility, Emotion, Sex, Religion and Mystery. One student allegedly handed in the following story: "My god!" cried the duchess. "I'm pregnant. Who did it?" -------------------------- esti@midway.uchicago.edu Paul Andrew Estin CogPsych grad student but prefered address is 214 Beakes St. Ann Arbor, MI 48104 paul.estin@um.cc.umich.edu H 313-994-3869 W 313-747-3699 313-994-9865 :::::::::::::: plans/plan930527 :::::::::::::: TOP TEN WAYS FRANCE IS DEALING WITH GERMAN REUNIFICATION 10. Dialing 911 9. Installing speed bumps to slow Panzers down 8. Cutting bedsheets into convenient easy-to-wave white triangles 7. Watching twice as many Jerry Lewis movies just to keep spirits up 6. Stockpiling Blistex so they can kiss plenty of German butt 5. Printing up t-shirts that say "Don't shoot! I'm a collaborator!" 4. Going a really *really* long time without bathing 3. Suddenly acting all chummy with Chuck Norris 2. Practicing running backwards and blowing kisses and the Number One way France is dealing with German reunification... 1. Developing top secret Stealth Cheese - from _Late Night_, of course The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best". -- H. Allen Smith -------------------------- Paul Andrew Estin forwarding mail to estin@cog.psych.umich.edu U. Michigan Cognitive Psychology 214 Beakes St. Ann Arbor, MI 48104 Fellow of the Clementine Society H 313-994-3869 W 313-747-3699 313-994-9865 HoloMuck Chancellor 132.206.78.1 5757 editor of the r.a.c welcome post :::::::::::::: plans/plan930621 :::::::::::::: TOP TEN WAYS "THE CIVIL WAR" SERIES WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF IT WERE ON NBC 10. General Grant played by Alf. 9. Reenactment of Gettysburg featuring bottles of Bud vs. bottles of Bud Light 8. Diary excerpts punched up to include more "zingers" 7. Stonewall Jackson leads troops into battle at the wheel of a cool talking car 6. Early in war Lincoln replaces General McClellan with Deborah Norville 5. As cannonballs rain down on Fort Sumter, Bob Costas comments, "That's gotta hurt!" 4. More emphasis on Mathew Brady's photographs of swimsuit models 3. Willard Scott cameo as Clara Barton 2. Lincoln shot while watching taping of "The Golden Girls" and the Number One way "The Civil War" would be different on NBC... 1. Would have pit Fanelli brother against Fanelli brother - from _Late Night_, of course The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best". -- H. Allen Smith -------------------------- Paul Andrew Estin forwarding mail to estin@cog.psych.umich.edu U. Michigan Cognitive Psychology 214 Beakes St. Ann Arbor, MI 48104 Fellow of the Clementine Society H 313-994-3869 W 313-747-3699 313-994-9865 HoloMuck Chancellor 132.206.78.1 5757 editor of the r.a.c welcome post :::::::::::::: plans/plan930806 :::::::::::::: From my window, nearly every day, I've seen that girl go down the highway, And I think she's trying to catch my eye, Standing alone after you ride on by, There she goes again with another guy. She was my girl, not too long ago, How I lost her, I'm not sure I know, But it makes no difference how I try, I get that feeling when she drives on by, And there she goes again with another guy. [Chorus:] It's a sad situation But I know just what I ought to do, I'm gonna find someone better, Go have fun, little girl, I can live without you. I'll be stronger, when she's off my mind, I hope she finds what she's been trying to find, 'Cause life goes on and time goes by, Will her heart ever be satisfied? Oh, there she goes again with another guy... Will her heart ever be satisfied? There she goes again with another guy. - Marshall Crenshaw, "There She Goes Again", 1982 Recent life update: Found someone better. -------------------------- Paul Andrew Estin forwarding mail to estin@cog.psych.umich.edu U. Michigan Cognitive Psychology 214 Beakes St. Ann Arbor, MI 48104 Fellow of the Clementine Society H 313-994-3869 W 313-747-3699 313-994-9865 HoloMuck Chancellor 132.206.78.1 5757 editor of the r.a.c welcome post :::::::::::::: plans/plan930807 :::::::::::::: [From: RSPAIN@macalstr.edu] The Top 10 Philosophy Questions of All Time, Answered! 10. How do I know anything really exists? -Kick it *really* hard. 9. What is the essence of being human? -Not understanding the opposite sex. 8. If a tree falls in the forest, and there's no one there to hear it, does it make a sound? -Not if it lands on a bunch of pillows. 7. How do I know I'm not just a brain in a vat, hooked up to a computer simulation of life? -Look in the mirror. If you see a gray, spongy thing in a glass container, you are. 6. Can our minds exist seperately from our bodies? -If they could, we'd just send our minds to class and sleep in every morning. 5. Is there a God? -A billion Hindus can't be wrong. 4. What is the nature of Knowledge? -I'm still trying to figure out the nature of *college*. 3. What is the meaning of life? -All evidence to date suggests it's chocolate. 2. Why get a Philosophy degree? -It's more respectable than a theater degree, but you still get to drink lots of espresso. 1. So, was Kant on drugs or what? -Probably. The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best". -- H. Allen Smith -------------------------- Paul Andrew Estin forwarding mail to estin@cog.psych.umich.edu U. Michigan Cognitive Psychology 214 Beakes St. Ann Arbor, MI 48104 Fellow of the Clementine Society H 313-994-3869 W 313-747-3699 313-994-9865 HoloMuck Chancellor 132.206.78.1 5757 editor of the r.a.c welcome post :::::::::::::: plans/plan930914 :::::::::::::: (from "Life" mailing list) In my Intro to Psych course, the instructor was attempting to illustrate the weakness of surveys as devices for gathering information for correlational purposes. "Let's say you take a survey of prostitutes in a small city," says she. "Of those prostitutes, a remarkable 48% of those listing religions have listed 'Episcopalian.' Can you then justifiably make any kind of correlation such as, 'Episcopalians are more likely to become prostitutes'?" There was a class-wide murmur of, "No." My instructor nodded. "Right. Why not? What are the problems with that statement?" A few hands crept tentatively upward, but before my instructor could select one of the volunteers, a woman behind me audibly muttered, "They're confusing Episcopalians and Baptists." - wilder@mik.uky.edu (jeff wilder) -------------------------- Paul Andrew Estin forwarding mail to estin@cog.psych.umich.edu U. Michigan Cognitive Psychology 214 Beakes St. Ann Arbor, MI 48104 Fellow of the Clementine Society H 313-994-3869 W 313-747-3699 313-994-9865 HoloMuck Chancellor 132.206.78.1 5757 editor of the r.a.c welcome post :::::::::::::: plans/plan930921 :::::::::::::: >From alt.tv.dinosaurs.barney.die.die.die From: waltman@eso.mc.xerox.com (Steve Waltman x71033 - DPSD) There I was. There I was. There I was. In the Congo. At last, after months of planning, tracking, and covert arms deals, me and my select team of Special Forces volunteers were going to take out that fat purple *&%$ right in his own backyard... the primeval rain forests of the Congo River valley. We'd tracked him here on one of his gruesome feeding rampages around the world. And this time he was going down the big way. Cancelled. Sitting in ambush waiting, we prepared our weapons... Several fresh clips slapped into the riflemen's M-16's, the SAW was loaded, Smith checked the ammo feed on the .50 cal, Jones and Clark loaded HE frag rounds into their M203 grenade launchers, and I ran through (for the 10th time) the check on the ace up our sleeve... the GLD-1001 laser target designator which would guide in the ten tons of smart bombs ready to be dropped from the B-52 orbiting slow circles at 35,000 feet. 2 minutes later than expected, we heard the leaves rustling and then got our first glimpse of the beast. Ad I lowered the crosshair to just over Barney's reptilian heart, we heard the sound... "I love you, you love me..." This is something we hadn't counted on. Barney was leading 10-15 children back to his lair to feed on them. My men looked at me questioningly about what to do. I just shrugged; we all knew that those poor brainwashed children were dead anyway. And a bomb is a nicer way to go than the gnashing teeth of a Tyrannosaur... It was almost time. One of the riflemen picked up the detonator for the first set of Claymore mines. Time slowed down. And all hell broke loose. The first thing I remember seeing is the damned bow around the deadly horn as it impaled Jones. Like a bat out of hell, Baby Bop began cutting through my men. The staccatto thunder of the .50 cal appeared off to my left as I saw Barney dash off into the woods. all three claymores went off but somehow didn't get him. Glancing up and seeing Baby Bop take six rounds in the chest , I decided to lead what was left of the team in chase after Barney. Rushing at us were the children, evidently brainwashed enough to try to defend the Purple Satan by mounting a Human Wave attack against us. Luckily two soldiers were able to collect them up without injuring them. Those poor kids were going to need some long and painful psychotherapy. The kids slowed us down long enough for Barney to get away. Chasing him now, on his own turf, was asking for an ambush. Next time, Barney... next time you won't be so lucky. -- Captain Kangaroo -------------------------- Paul Andrew Estin forwarding mail to estin@cog.psych.umich.edu U. Michigan Cognitive Psychology 214 Beakes St. Ann Arbor, MI 48104 Fellow of the Clementine Society H 313-994-3869 W 313-747-3699 313-994-9865 HoloMuck Chancellor 132.206.78.1 5757 editor of the r.a.c welcome post [Sorry for the length of the .plan this time around; "finger esti | more" to read it one screen at a time.] :::::::::::::: plans/plan931019 :::::::::::::: I sent a letter to the fish, I told them, "This is what I wish." The little fishes of the sea, They sent an answer back to me. The little fishes' answer was "We cannot do it, sir, because ..." I sent a letter back to say It would be better to obey. But someone came to me and said "The little fishes are in bed." I said to him, and I said it plain "Then you must wake them up again." I said it very loud and clear, I went and shouted in his ear. But he was very stiff and proud, He said "You needn't shout so loud." And he was very proud and stiff, He said "I'll go and wake them if ..." I took a kettle from the shelf, I went to wake them up myself. But when I found the door was locked I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked, And when I found the door was shut, I tried to turn the handle, But ... "Is that all?" asked Alice. "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye." -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" -------------------------- Paul Andrew Estin forwarding mail to estin@cog.psych.umich.edu U. Michigan Cognitive Psychology 214 Beakes St. Ann Arbor, MI 48104 Fellow of the Clementine Society H 313-994-3869 W 313-747-3699 313-994-9865 HoloMuck Chancellor 132.206.78.1 5757 [Sorry for the length of the .plan this time around; "finger esti | more" to read it one screen at a time.] :::::::::::::: plans/plan931112 :::::::::::::: From: wilson@blaze.cs.jhu.edu I heard on the radio that the FBI now suspect that the letter bombing at Yale is related to letter bombings in the late 70's. My first thought was, "My, that's a sad commentary on the Post Office." From: dos@major.panix.com (Dave O'Shea) According to the 6:00pm NBC news broadcast, accused serial killer Joel Rifkin "May have dismembered several of his victims. His neighbors are stumped." From: sjreeves@eng.auburn.edu (Stan Reeves) Seen on a South Carolina road sign: ------------------------- |<-- Clinton 6 | | Prosperity 22 --> | ------------------------- | | | | | | -------------------------- Paul Andrew Estin forwarding mail to estin@cog.psych.umich.edu U. Michigan Cognitive Psychology 214 Beakes St. Ann Arbor, MI 48104 Fellow of the Clementine Society H 313-994-3869 W 313-747-3699 313-994-9865 HoloMuck Chancellor 132.206.78.1 5757 :::::::::::::: plans/plan931129 :::::::::::::: From: markh@csd4.csd.uwm.edu (Mark) The untold story of the encounter with Locutus "Captain!", Worf exclaimed, "the Borg ship is hailing us." "Put them on the main viewer", Riker ordered. Unlike the previous times, when the image first appeared on the screen, instead of there being just an empty picture of the interior of the Borg ship, a Borg looking suspiciously like the captured ex-captain Jean Luc Picard was seen facing sideways (apparently he had not yet adapted to the use of a viewscreen). As he turned forward to face Riker, the light from his headpiece pierced through the viewscreen like a laser. "I am Locutus: a Borg...", he announced in a voice that sounded suspiciously like Picard's except for that annoying reverb effect that humans always seem to get on Star Trek episodes every time they turn into something weird, "all that was known by the human named Picard concerning the ship's defenses and the Federation's plans is now part of the Borg Consciousness. Therefore, resistance is futile. You will take us to the planet Earth where you will assist us in the assimilation process." A brief pause of silence ensued as the Enterprise crew deliberated over this unexpected turn of events. "It would seem... ", Worf mumbled, "... that the Enterprise has just been hoisted by its own Picard." -------------------------- Paul Andrew Estin forwarding mail to estin@cog.psych.umich.edu U. Michigan Cognitive Psychology 214 Beakes St. Ann Arbor, MI 48104 Fellow of the Clementine Society H 313-994-3869 W 313-747-3699 313-994-9865 HoloMuck Chancellor 132.206.78.1 5757 :::::::::::::: plans/plan940105 :::::::::::::: Re: Shannen Doherty fired from 90210... Selections from an article by flintd@dolphin.upenn.edu (Deirdre J Flint): ...some not-altogether earth-shattering or clairvoyant predictions concerning Doherty from some poor shmuck (me) who doesn't have anything better to do with her time... 4. Doherty will come out with an article in People Mag about her addiction to and subsequent triumph over (choose one): drugs/alcohol/exercise/men who leave/900 numbers/inhalants such as rubber cement and liquid paper. She will then explain that her poor behavior on 90210 was based upon this addiction AND 5. In a follow up article, Doherty will reveal that her childhood sucked- well okay, EVERYONE's childhood sucked, but hers sucked more than most people's childhood sucked and this explains the addiction (see 4). ALSO- she has written a biography called --Zipcode of Loneliness, The Shannen Doherty Story. 6. Poor shmucks like me will BUY the book giving her the cash flow she needs to produce and star in an infomercial about (choose one) hair care product/past life regression enhancer tape set/stomach toning gadget/spot removal product. And I will NOT buy those things! Okay...My God, $29.95 isn't going to kill me...OKAY, I'LL BUY THE TUMMY TONER, DAMMIT! 7. Shannen will recover her money, people will forget about her lousy reputation and I'LL PROBABLY WAIT ON HER TABLE ONE OF THESE DAYS! (As I lack both money AND a reputation.) -------------------------- Paul Andrew Estin forwarding mail to estin@cog.psych.umich.edu U. Michigan Cognitive Psychology 214 Beakes St. Ann Arbor, MI 48104 Fellow of the Clementine Society H 313-994-3869 W 313-747-3699 313-994-9865 HoloMuck Chancellor 132.206.78.1 5757 :::::::::::::: plans/plan940113 :::::::::::::: From: zippy@berry.cs.brandeis:edu >From the cypherpunks mailing list, I got the following short message: From: uni@acs.bu.edu (Shaen Bernhardt) Date: Sat, 22 May 93 14:02:51 -0400 Ego + Espionage = Death Taking other well-known identities: Silence = Death Energy = Mass x Speed-o-Light^2 and the assumption that the energy of one's ego cannot exceed one's maximum potential energy (which has great explanatory powers re. the Limbaugh Effect), I get: Silence = Ego + Espionage <= MC^2 + Espionage solving for Espionage, Espionage >= Silence - MC^2 which raises some interesting points: 1. Espionage can be measured in existing SI units, thus 2. Espionage is a creation of the French -------------------------- Paul Andrew Estin forwarding mail to estin@umich.edu U. Michigan Cognitive Psychology 214 Beakes St. Ann Arbor, MI 48104 Fellow of the Clementine Society H 313-994-3869 W 313-747-3699 HoloMuck Chancellor 132.206.78.1 5757 :::::::::::::: plans/plan940124 :::::::::::::: _,\?dZkMHF&$*q#b.. A still shot, from ascii animation by .//9MMMMMMM?:'HM\\"`-''`.. Jef Poskanzer jef@netcom.com ..` :MMMMMMMMMMHMMMMH?_ `-\ to see the entire animation . .dMMMMMMMMMMMMMM'"'" `\. (if you're on quads/ellis/kimbark) . |MMMMMMMMMMMMMR \\ just type: - T9MMMMMHH##M" `? cat ~esti/fun/globe.vt : (9MMM' !':. &k .: HMM\_?p "":-b\. `ML - "'"H&#, : |M| : ?\,\dMH#b#. 9b : |MMMMMMM##, `* : . +MMMMMMMMMMMo_ - : HMMMMMMMMMMMMMM#, : : 9MMMMMMMMMMMMMH' . : . *HMMMMMMMMMMP .' : MMMMMMMMMH' . - :MMMMMMM'` . Paul Andrew Estin `. 9MMMMM*' - U. Michigan Cognitive Psychology -. {MMM#' : 214 Beakes St. Ann Arbor, MI 48104 - |MM" .' H 313-994-3869 W 313-747-3699 `. &M'.. . ..' estin@umich.edu ' . ._ .- HoloMuck Chancellor 132.206.78.1 5757 '-. -voboo#&:,-.-` Fellow of the Clementine Society :::::::::::::: plans/plan940212 :::::::::::::: "The Internet is already an information superhighway, except that you have to be a full-fledged computer nerd to navigate it. I have been there. It's like driving a car through a blizzard without windshield wipers or lights, and all of the road signs are written upside down and backwards. And if you stop and ask someone for help, they stutter in Albanian." - Mike Royko, 2/10/94 "Jest bee corset gut bye thee spill chick her doe's knot mien its spilt wright." - Tom Wentzel -------------------------- Paul Andrew Estin forwarding mail to estin@umich.edu U. Michigan Cognitive Psychology 214 Beakes St. Ann Arbor, MI 48104 Fellow of the Clementine Society H 313-994-3869 W 313-747-3699 HoloMuck Chancellor 132.206.78.1 5757 :::::::::::::: plans/plan940227 :::::::::::::: From: gorelik@xsoft.xerox.com (Mike Gorelik) Private sector provides health insurance to 160M people at the cost of $2500 per person-year. The goverment covers 50M at $6500/person-year. To reduce costs and improve efficiency, the Clintons want goverment to control all of health care. ---------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.tv.x-files Subject: Re: Fox's Crypt-Keeper thing... From: ecannon@utxvms.cc.utexas.edu (Ed Cannon), a man who doesn't mince words FOX: Lose the ghoul! Take the "Crypt-Keeper" and shove it -- into a morgue. It is juvenile. It is stupid. It distracts from a show that almost always presents pretty good suspense. Not to mention that it's awful, it stinks, it looks like Kate Moss, it's pitiful recycled Halloween humbug. Does it remind anyone else of Gilbert Godfrey? If not, what about Jack Kervorkian? ... It wasn't funny for even a millisecond. Bury it. Drive a stake into its heart. Shoot it with a silver bullet. Cremate it. Baptize it in a vat of acid. Give it a job as control rods in a nuclear reactor. Poison it. Have it hint that it knows who really killed JFK. Leave it in a small yard with a pack of starving Rottweilers. Lock it up in a skyscraper with Bruce Willis. Put it in the federal witness protection program. Debug it. Deworm it. Defrock it. Demote it. Autopsy it. While you're at it, find a foolproof cell for whomever dreamed it up, and levy a stiff fine against the higher-ups who didn't kill it the minute they saw it -- after you make them watch it for about 16 hours per day for a couple of months. In my humble opinion.... -------------------------- Paul Andrew Estin forwarding mail to estin@umich.edu U. Michigan Cognitive Psychology 214 Beakes St. Ann Arbor, MI 48104 Fellow of the Clementine Society H 313-994-3869 W 313-747-3699 HoloMuck Chancellor 132.206.78.1 5757 :::::::::::::: plans/plan940301 :::::::::::::: FOOL-HEARTY copyright Greg Allen (of "Too Much Light Makes the Baby Go Blind") (Greg sits in a chair next to Heather) GREG: I love you. HEATHER: I don't. (She exits.) GREG: I think that's one of the great fears-- to lay it all on the line, to take your raw throbbing pulsing beating heart from your chest, hand it to somebody, and they get out their spiked golf shoes and do a demonic tap dance on it. (Ted enters and sits next to Greg.) GREG: I think you're pretty great. TED: I don't. (He exits.) GREG: But the thing is- you gotta hang in there, you gotta just forge ahead and take the risk that just because you unconditionally give your heart to an ultimately unknown identity, it doesn't mean they'll put it in one of those ratcheted iron table vices and slowly crush every ounce of tissue from it. (Spencer enters and sits next to Greg.) GREG: It was a nice day today, hunh? SPENCER: No. (She exits.) GREG: I mean just because a certain pattern may seem to be evidencing itself in a kind of bold, tactile painful way, doesn't mean it will necessarily continue on into a neverending hell equal to having someone slice open your stomach, rip open your intestines, nail them to a tree, and force you to disembowel yourself by running around it! (Karen enters and sits next to Greg.) GREG: Do you know what time it is? KAREN: Yes, it's about . (Pause as Karen smiles at Greg and Greg smiles at the audience.) GREG: You know, there's always hope- if you're just persistent and go with what you feel. There's always a future, and you never know what it's gonna be. GREG: I love you. (Just as she is about to respond someone calls "CURTAIN!") -------------------------- Paul Andrew Estin forwarding mail to estin@umich.edu U. Michigan Cognitive Psychology 214 Beakes St. Ann Arbor, MI 48104 Fellow of the Clementine Society H 313-994-3869 W 313-747-3699 HoloMuck Chancellor 132.206.78.1 5757 [Sorry for the length of the .plan this time around; "finger esti | more" to read it one screen at a time.] :::::::::::::: plans/plan940627 :::::::::::::: FATE DATES THE WEATHERMAN copyright Dave Awl (of "Too Much Light Makes the Baby Go Blind", at 5153 N. Ashland, Chicago, IL 60640) (Dave and Ted sit onstage.) DAVE: First something bad happens, and I think, Oh God, life really sucks, every time I turn around something awful happens, I just know something else bad is gonna happen any minute. TED: And then something good happens, and I think, see, life's not so bad, you just need to relax, good things happen all the time, I just can't wait for the next good thing. DAVE: And then something bad happens and I think, Oh God, why was I fooled, I'm going downhill fast. BOTH: And then all of a sudden something good happens. DAVE: And I think, hey, I'm on the upswing, the bad stuff is behind me, I think big success is just around the corner. TED: And then something bad happens, and I think this is it, this is the long nose-dive to the ground that I'll never pull out of, my life is over, it's starting now. DAVE: And then something good happens and I think, you see, why do you waste your life feeling gloomy and wallowing in depression, happiness is all around you if you just look for it! BOTH: And then something bad happens. DAVE: And I think, you sickening little fool, how could you be so blind, you're trapped in a long slide toward ruin, caught in a web, the more you struggle the more it's gonna hurt. TED: And then something wonderful happens, and I think, why are you always such a pessimist, life's too short to spend it on a bummer, these are the best days of your life, I'm gonna climb that mountain and taste the sunshine and live in that gosh darned rose garden! DAVE: And then something bad happens and I think, you schmuck. BOTH: You fell for it again. -------------------------- Paul Andrew Estin forwarding mail to estin@umich.edu U. Michigan Cognitive Psychology 214 Beakes St. Ann Arbor, MI 48104 Fellow of the Clementine Society H 313-994-3869 W 313-747-3699 HoloMuck Chancellor 132.206.78.1 5757 [Sorry for the length of the .plan this time around; "finger esti | more" to read it one screen at a time.] :::::::::::::: plans/plan940817 :::::::::::::: "We want information, *information*, INFORMATION." "You won't get it." "By hook or by crook, we will." "Who are you?" "The new number two." "Who is number one?" "You are number six." "I am not a number, I am a free man!" (laughter, in response to previous statement) -- [identifying the source would be like giving the price of a yacht... if you have to ask... :-) ] [Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)] The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > | | > | | > ______|_____|______ > | | > | X | > ______|_____|______ > | | > | | And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } | | } 0 | 0 | 0 } ______|_____|______ } | | } 0 | X | 0 } ______|_____|______ } | | } 0 | 0 | 0 } | | } } I am the Oracle after all. -------------------------- Paul Andrew Estin forwarding mail to estin@umich.edu U. Michigan Cognitive Psychology 214 Beakes St. Ann Arbor, MI 48104 Fellow of the Clementine Society H 313-994-3869 W 313-747-3699 HoloMuck Chancellor 132.206.78.1 5757 [Sorry for the length of the .plan this time around; "finger esti | more" to read it one screen at a time.] :::::::::::::: plans/plan941115 :::::::::::::: From: evansb@pairgain.com (Bill Evans) The most tempting moment while completing the official, unaltered California Form 540 is line 63: 63. If you do _not_ need California income tax forms mailed to you next year, check here. ( ) -------------------------- From: claridge@wronz.org.nz At the psychology department, an important breakthrough in training methods has been achieved. The department has bred a group of mice with a particular heart defect, that causes them to have a mild heart attack under particular circumstances. Dr. has been experimenting with training methods, and has trained another group of mice to recognise the onset of these heart attacks. Once these trained mice realise what is happening, they press a bar that administers a shock treatment to the suffering mice, correcting the incipient heart failure. Dr says it is the first known case of mouse-to-mouse resuscitation. -------------------------- Paul Andrew Estin forwarding mail to estin@umich.edu U. Michigan Cognitive Psychology 214 Beakes St. Ann Arbor, MI 48104 Fellow of the Clementine Society H 313-994-3869 W 313-747-3699 HoloMuck Chancellor 132.206.78.1 5757 [Sorry for the length of the .plan this time around; "finger esti | more" to read it one screen at a time.] :::::::::::::: plans/plan941227 :::::::::::::: From: Napalm Death Fan Understanding Your Student WHAT YOUR STUDENT SAYS WHAT YOUR STUDENT MEANS ------------------------ ----------------------- Your course is too tough I haven't been doing my homework Writing exams makes me nervous I haven't been doing my homework You're always trying to show us I'm embarrassed because I'm not how smart you are prepared again I understand the overall concept I haven't got a clue about the of this topic current topic I would like to have had more time I didn't read it to study the text I have some concerns about the I hope this won't be on the exam theory upon which this lecture is based There are some aspects of the I sure as hell ain't gonna read that chapter that I would like to hear many pages, so maybe you could just more about go over the highlights Your lectures are not strongly You mean I have to come to lectures enough linked to the text to get the notes? Your lecture is an interesting I fell asleep in class explanation of the text material You've failed to discuss some of What do you mean -- read on my own? the more relevant sections of the text I would like you to explain... I don't know anything about this stuff Do you have a minute to answer a Wanna listen to me whine for an hour? question about the assignment? The exam was unfair I didn't study I need an extension I started this morning and just realized that I can't finish it in 3 hours You're the worst prof I ever had You make us work hard The prof I had last semester was He didn't make us work much better I'll never take another course I've failed out of school from you again -------------------------- Paul Andrew Estin forwarding mail to estin@umich.edu U. Michigan Cognitive Psychology 214 Beakes St. Ann Arbor, MI 48104 Fellow of the Clementine Society H 313-994-3869 W 313-747-3699 HoloMuck Chancellor 132.206.78.1 5757 [Sorry for the length of the .plan this time around; "finger esti | more" to read it one screen at a time.] :::::::::::::: plans/plan950210 :::::::::::::: from The Top *18* Signs There Is Intelligent Life In The Universe 18> Ben & Jerry are stepping down! 15> Plan to infiltrate Earth with Top 10 lists and variants working like a charm. 13> New constellation forming near Orion in the shape of Elvis' face with a red circle around it and a line through it. 12> Can't be sheer coincidence that almost any three stars in the night sky form a triangle. 11> Innermost ring of Saturn consists mainly of luggage lost during space travel. 7> Finally proven: Earthly technology incapable of producing silly putty. 5> Shopping cart wheels with minds of their own! 4> Calls to space shuttle mysteriously put on call-waiting. 2> Unexplained "Kick Me" sign found taped to back of astronaut after space walk. Today's contributors: Steve Maybo, San Diego, CA - 1, 2 (Hall of Fame) Don Horton, Sacramento, CA - 4 (Rookie!) Ric Belding, Anaheim, CA - 5, 9 LeMel Hebert-Williams, Alameda, CA - 7, 12 Mitch Patterson, Melbourne, FL - 11 David Pilkington, Lake Forest, IL - 13 (Rookie!) Elliott Schiff, Pittsburgh, PA - 15 Sam Evans, Charleston, SC - 18 (Hall of Fame) -------------------------- Paul Andrew Estin forwarding mail to estin@umich.edu U. Michigan Cognitive Psychology 214 Beakes St. Ann Arbor, MI 48104 Fellow of the Clementine Society H 313-994-3869 W 313-747-3699 HoloMuck Chancellor 132.206.78.1 5757 [Sorry for the length of the .plan this time around; "finger esti | more" to read it one screen at a time.] :::::::::::::: plans/plan950416 :::::::::::::: THE IDEA OF YOU copyright Dave Awl (of "Too Much Light Makes the Baby Go Blind", at 5153 N. Ashland, Chicago, IL 60640) [Dave Awl and Phil Ridarelli sit center stage in two chairs with their backs to each other.] DAVE: I called you up and I said How were you and could I please speak to the Idea of You? You said Excuse me? I said I didn't call to talk to you, I called to talk to the Idea of You. I said I had been doing some thinking. I realized that all the time I had been seeing you, it was really the idea of you I wanted to go out with. You asked me how I had come to this astonishing conclusion. I said, Oh, little things had tipped me off: the way you knocked over your water glass last Wednesday, when the idea of you was grace and ease. The way you fumbled for words on Sunday, but the idea of you always knew what to say. I said I always understood the idea of you, but lately you were beginning to confuse me. [Phil rises to stand beside his chair.] There was a momentary pause as you handed over the receiver, and then a voice came on the line that reminded me of you but without those annoying glitches and halts. We talked for a few moments in what felt like a carefree, ideal way; and then the Idea of You asked to speak to the Idea of Me. I asked for clarification of this bizarre suggestion - and it asserted that the Idea of Me was too sensitive and intelligent to reject the human imperfections of someone I loved. [Pause] Sensing that I has somehow dropped the ball, I nobly stepped aside [Dave rises to stand beside his chair. Both Phil and Dave regard the two empty chairs.] so that the Idea of Us could live happily ever after. CURTAIN -------------------------- Paul Andrew Estin forwarding mail to estin@umich.edu U. Michigan Cognitive Psychology 214 Beakes St. Ann Arbor, MI 48104 Fellow of the Clementine Society H 313-994-3869 W 313-747-3699 HoloMuck Chancellor 132.206.78.1 5757 [Sorry for the length of the .plan this time around; "finger esti | more" to read it one screen at a time.] :::::::::::::: plans/plan950610 :::::::::::::: A farmer asked his neighbor if he might borrow a rope. "Sorry," said the neighbor, "I'm using my rope to tie up my milk." "Rope can't tie up milk." "I know," replied the neighbor, "but when a man doesn't want to do something, one reason is as good as another." [Contributed by: smu!leff] -------------------------- Paul Andrew Estin forwarding mail to estin@umich.edu U. Michigan Cognitive Psychology 214 Beakes St. Ann Arbor, MI 48104 Fellow of the Clementine Society H 313-994-3869 W 313-747-3699 HoloMuck Chancellor 132.206.78.1 5757 :::::::::::::: plans/plan950622 :::::::::::::: "We didn't come to Heritage USA to scoff. At least I didn't. I came because I was angry. Normally I take a live-and-let-live attitude toward refried Jesus-wheezing TV preachers. They've got their role in life, and I've got mine. Their role is to be sanctimonious panhandlers. My role is to have a good time. They don't pray for cocaine and orgies, I don't go on the tube and ask people to send me $100. But, when a place like Heritage USA starts advertising fun in the sun and Heritage's founders (Jim and Tammy Bakker) start having drug blasts and zany extramarital frolics, I feel like they're stepping on my turf." - P.J. O'Rourke, January 1987 "Eventually he got, as the Europeans always to, to the part about 'your country's never been invaded.' (This fellow had been two during the Blitz, you see.) 'You don't know the horror, the suffering. You think war is...' I snapped. 'A John Wayne movie,' I said. 'That's what you were going to say, wasn't it? We think war is a John Wayne movie. We think *life* is a John Wayne movie-- with good guys and bad guys, as simple as that. Well, you know something, Mister Limey Poofter? You're right. And let me tell you who those bad guys are. They're *us*. WE BE BAD. 'We're the baddest-assed sons of bitches that ever jogged in Reeboks. We're three-quarters grizzly bear and two-thirds car wreck and descended from a stock market crash on our mother's side. You take your Germany, France and Spain, roll them all together and it wouldn't give us room to park our cars. We're the big boys, Jack, the original, giant, economy-sized, new and improved butt kickers of all time. When we snort Coke in Houston, people lose their hats in Cap d'Antibes. And we've got an American Express card credit limit higher than your piss-ant metric numbers go. 'You say our country's never been invaded? You're right, little buddy. Because I'd like to see the needle-dicked foreigners who'd have the guts to try. We drink napalm to get our hearts started in the morning. A rape and a mugging is our way of saying "Cheerio." Hell can't hold our sock-hops. We walk taller, talk louder, spit further, fuck longer and buy more things than you know the names of. I'd rather be a junkie in a New York City jail than king, queen and jack of all you Europeans. We eat little countries like this for breakfast and shit them out before lunch.' Of course, the guy should have punched me. But this was Europe. He just smiled his shabby, superior European smile. (God, don't these people have *dentists*?)" - P.J. O'Rourke, May 1986 -------------------------- Paul Andrew Estin forwarding mail to estin@umich.edu U. Michigan Cognitive Psychology 214 Beakes St. Ann Arbor, MI 48104 Fellow of the Clementine Society H 313-994-3869 W 313-747-3699 HoloMuck Chancellor 132.206.78.1 5757 :::::::::::::: plans/plan950717 :::::::::::::: "We didn't come to Heritage USA to scoff. At least I didn't. I came because I was angry. Normally I take a live-and-let-live attitude toward refried Jesus-wheezing TV preachers. They've got their role in life, and I've got mine. Their role is to be sanctimonious panhandlers. My role is to have a good time. They don't pray for cocaine and orgies, I don't go on the tube and ask people to send me $100. But, when a place like Heritage USA starts advertising fun in the sun and Heritage's founders (Jim and Tammy Bakker) start having drug blasts and zany extramarital frolics, I feel like they're stepping on my turf." - P.J. O'Rourke, January 1987 "Eventually he got, as the Europeans always to, to the part about 'your country's never been invaded.' (This fellow had been two during the Blitz, you see.) 'You don't know the horror, the suffering. You think war is...' I snapped. 'A John Wayne movie,' I said. 'That's what you were going to say, wasn't it? We think war is a John Wayne movie. We think *life* is a John Wayne movie-- with good guys and bad guys, as simple as that. Well, you know something, Mister Limey Poofter? You're right. And let me tell you who those bad guys are. They're *us*. WE BE BAD. 'We're the baddest-assed sons of bitches that ever jogged in Reeboks. We're three-quarters grizzly bear and two-thirds car wreck and descended from a stock market crash on our mother's side. You take your Germany, France and Spain, roll them all together and it wouldn't give us room to park our cars. We're the big boys, Jack, the original, giant, economy-sized, new and improved butt kickers of all time. When we snort Coke in Houston, people lose their hats in Cap d'Antibes. And we've got an American Express card credit limit higher than your piss-ant metric numbers go. 'You say our country's never been invaded? You're right, little buddy. Because I'd like to see the needle-dicked foreigners who'd have the guts to try. We drink napalm to get our hearts started in the morning. A rape and a mugging is our way of saying "Cheerio." Hell can't hold our sock-hops. We walk taller, talk louder, spit further, fuck longer and buy more things than you know the names of. I'd rather be a junkie in a New York City jail than king, queen and jack of all you Europeans. We eat little countries like this for breakfast and shit them out before lunch.' Of course, the guy should have punched me. But this was Europe. He just smiled his shabby, superior European smile. (God, don't these people have *dentists*?)" - P.J. O'Rourke, May 1986 -------------------------- Paul Andrew Estin forwarding mail to estin@umich.edu U. Michigan Cognitive Psychology 214 Beakes St. Ann Arbor, MI 48104 Fellow of the Clementine Society H 313-994-3869 W 313-747-3699 HoloMuck Chancellor 132.206.78.1 5757 :::::::::::::: plans/plan950810 :::::::::::::: I read about this in the Globe & Mail, Canada's National Newspaper. The lead actor in Macbeth had fired a performer during a run at the Stratford Festival one afternoon. The extra's last performance, then, was that evening. For those of you unfamiliar with Macbeth, it is the Bard's tale of a man filled with ambition that sacrifices everything in order to achieve his greedy dreams. When he finds out his wife is dead, he launches into a very dramatic monologue. When Macbeth asks, however, as to the status of his wife, instead of hearing of her untimely demise, the extra said, "She is doing very much better, my lord." --And walked off the stage, leaving Macbeth alone, front and centre, in front of a sold out house. -- Leslie Rosenblood (lrrosenblood@descartes.uwaterloo.ca) -------------------------- Paul Andrew Estin forwarding mail to estin@umich.edu U. Michigan Cognitive Psychology 214 Beakes St. Ann Arbor, MI 48104 HoloMuck Chancellor 132.206.78.1 5757 H 313-994-3869 W 313-747-3703 http://www.umich.edu/~estin/ <--- NEW ! I'M FINALLY ON THE WEB ! YES ! :::::::::::::: plans/plan950814 :::::::::::::: THEATER CHAT (Dave and Lusia are on chairs with a little table between them, like a little talk show set. The speak very quickly, a little too excited, a little too heavy on the cheese.) D: Hi. I'm Dave! L: And I'm Lusia! D: and this...is Theater Chat. L: Welcome to Theater Chat for November (insert date), 1994! D: Today our topic is one that I personally find fascinating because it's very close to my own heart. We're going to be talking about... heterosexuals in the theatre! L: Oh my god. There are a LOT of heterosexuals in the theatre, aren't there? D: You can't hardly walk into a dressing room without tripping over one of them! You know, Lusia, over my many years in the theatre I have made DOZENS of WONDERFUL heterosexual friends. It was in the theatre that I first encountered heterosexuals! L: Oh, I know, my college theatre department was just FULL of them! And I was a little uncomfortable around them at first until I came to see how really charming they could be. D: Definitely. L: I mean, regardless of what you think of their --lifestyle-- you can't deny that they tend to be very talented people, and often very witty. D: Oh, yes, they're awfully entertaining. I wouldn't want to go to a party where there wasn't at least one of them! L: Holding courts the way they do. D: Oh, I know. I mean it seems like they can all sing or dance or do impressions or something. L: And they don't ALL try to hit on you. D: Oh no, most of them are very polite. You just say no and they usually respect that. L: Well, anyway, we're talking about heterosexuals in the theatre. D: Right. Well now, first off we should probably point out that there have been many great playwrights who were heterosexual. L: Right! D: Like for instance... L: Like for instance... D: Neil Simon! L: Of course, Neil Simon. You know, you can really get a sense from reading his plays that he's a heterosexual, too! D: Well, it does tend to creep into their work, doesn't it? L: Certainly, just look at "Barefoot in the Park," there was that relationship between, Carrie or Lori or whatever, and that man... D: Robert Redford! L: Right, Robert Redford! D: Oh, and what about "The Star-Spangled GIRL." L: Gosh, the title gives it away right there, doesn't it? (Greg Kotis runs on and whispers something to Dave.) D: Really? Oh, Ladies and Gentlemen, I have something really exciting to announce. For the first time in the history of "Theatre Chat" we seem to have gotten a telephone call! Well, actually, it's just Diana pretending to be a telephone call, but still, it's very exciting! L: Hello, caller! Di: I'm just calling to say I'm sick and tired of hearing about heterosexuals. I turn on the TV, I turn on the radio, it's all you hear about. I mean, what if a child heard this show? D: Well, now- Di: And another thing! I don't think you'd keep harping on the subject all the time if you weren't harboring some heterosexual feelings of your own. Admit it, Dave--l bet you're secretly heterosexual yourself, aren't you? D: (very smug) Well! That's the first time I'VE ever been accused of THAT, but for the record, neither Lusia nor I--Lusia? Lusia! L: Oh my god Dave, Help me. D: (dripping with compassion and sensitivity) Lusia, have you been having some heterosexual feelings? L: (close to tears.) I'm just so confused. D: Honey, it's really no big deal! Look, there are special neighborhoods where you can live and nobody will even care. [pause.] Like--Schaumburg! [Lusia looks hopeful.] Hey, let's talk some more about this later, OK? L: [being brave.] Okay. D: Well, that's all for this Theatre Chat, so till next time remember, be careful what you say, because heterosexuals really are everywhere! Good night! CURTAIN Copyright 1994 Dave Awl - used without permission, but hopefully he won't mind the free advertising for TOO MUCH LIGHT MAKES THE BABY GO BLIND, performed by The Neo-Futurists at 5153 N. Ashland Ave., Chicago, IL 60604 Neo-Futurist Hotline: (312) 275-5255 WWW homepage: http://www.neofuturists.org -------------------------- Paul Andrew Estin forwarding mail to estin@umich.edu U. Michigan Cognitive Psychology 214 Beakes St. Ann Arbor, MI 48104 HoloMuck Chancellor 132.206.78.1 5757 H 313-994-3869 W 313-747-3703 http://www.umich.edu/~estin/ <--- NEW ! I'M FINALLY ON THE WEB ! YES ! :::::::::::::: plans/plan951002 :::::::::::::: JAGGED HEARTS (c) 1995 Christine Lavin I know that I never can have you so I will not even try if this had happened a few years ago I'd have taken you aside Whispered while no one was watching looked deep into your brown eyes but I know that I cannot have you so I will not even try I've traveled for most of a decade I've seen some beautiful sights I've met so many wonderful people nothing has ever felt this right But in the cool clear calm of the morning in the deep dark dreams of the night I know that I cannot have you still I wish it with all of my might It's 3 A.M. I'm wide awake I hear the ocean roar I wonder what you'd say to me if I just showed up at your door Your dogs would bark you'd let me in you'd gently take my hand explain to me why this could not be I'd say "I understand" There's no sense in taking this further experience is making me wise I know when I'm close to that danger zone where jagged hearts collide Is maturity smoothing my edges or making love easier to deny? all I know is that I can't have you so I will not even try I know that I cannot have you -------------------------- Paul Andrew Estin forwarding mail to estin@umich.edu U. Michigan Cognitive Psychology 1106 Michigan Ave., Ann Arbor, MI 48104 HoloMuck Chancellor 132.206.78.1 5757 H 313-994-5415 W 313-747-3703 http://www.umich.edu/~estin/