Finding my way home....

Things have gotten much better - 2004 was year full of pain and tumult, loss and growth. Loss of my father, and of my dear friend , and a serious breakdown that threw me for a loop midsummer and took me nearly all autumn to recover from. But I learned a lot, and have also been continuing on the journey of coming to terms with/finding peace with my breakdown, "the Big One of '00" as I've come to semi-jokingly call it, my resultant diagnosis with manic-depressive illness, and the shockwaves in my life (and those around me) that all of that has caused.

But back to where I am now - a much better place. I'm thankful for my warm and welcoming home, and glad to be finding time to 'nest' and make it more of a home. I'm happy that I'm now making music regularly - I'm a member of the Ann Arbor Concert Band, the Canton Big Band, the Treetown Sax Quintet, and Ever After Productions' Seussical the Musical. It's busy, but it feels very good. :)

I'm also very grateful that I, with the Good Head Shrink and my therapist, have finally found a medication cocktail that helps me to be my best self, and doesn't hinder me with annoying side effects. My diabetes is also under good control. I'm finding joy in being happy without being manic, feeling sadness/grief without the crushing yoke of depression, and feeling the whole range of my emotions without feeling like a blunted, greyed-out zombie (like some meds have rendered me).

Life is good, dare I say. Now, if only I could ride my motorcycle in the snow, things would be excellent. :)

Who am I?

• I'm a musician: I play saxophone (alto, tenor, baritone, and recently was gifted a delightful old C melody sax!), guitar, piano, and just about anything else I can get my hands on. I've experimented with drumming lately, and have been lusting after those large open-back Native American drums with the deep, resonating tenor voices. I also sing, in the shower, the apartment, the car, and occasionally around the campfire.

• I am, or was, an artist: I used to paint, especially watercolors, and draw, but largely stopped in my sophomore year of high school when I was accepted into a special performing arts program for music (in fact, left the visual art component of the same program to go to the music component). A very perceptive aunt of mine gave me a set of watercolors and some paper and brushes for Christmas a few years ago, providing just the right little bit of nudge that I needed. I'm looking forward to getting back into it.

• I enjoy speaking, writing, singing, and reading Russian. My B.A. is actually in Russian & East European Studies, despite my current vocation of systems administrator (or computer whore, as I often consider it, since I pretty much do it for the money alone). I recently re-connected with things Russian via a sudden urge to look for some of my favorite Russian bands on the 'net, which led me to a concert by the incredible DDT during a business trip to Chicago and meeting a nice chap named Dima, who's helping me by getting some letters to friends in Russia.

• I'm manic-depressive (or I have bipolar affective disorder, type I, for the more technical of you). Kay Redfield Jamison sums up my philosophy of the condition pretty well, and was the first thing "prescribed" to me by my shrink when I was discharged. I had a severe manic breakdown in August of 2000 (a.k.a. "The Big One of '00"), and was hospitalized. I'm still healing from it, in many ways, learning to cope with the scars that the hospitalization left and the ramifications this new bit of information has on my identity.

• I've been living in a wonderfulcohousing community in Ann Arbor called Great Oak since Hallowe'en 2003, and loving it. It's a wonderful way to create commmunity and live life, and now that I've experienced it, I wouldn't want to live any other way.

• I'm bisexual and polyamorous, though enjoying a pretty solitary life these days, living with my cats, Morsel and Sophie (Rest In Peace, dear Shaunty [sadly, she passed beyond the veil in December, 2003]), enjoying tea with friends, riding my motorcycle, an '05 Kawasaki Z750S (R.I.P. Darkangel, my dear '83 Honda Shadow VT500C), and hoping for good powder snow for skiing in northern Michigan.

With wishes for peace, health, and happiness to all in 2006 and beyond...

~ Hope